GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- PSYCHIC 2000


 22. 05/19/91  "PSYCHIC 2000"
 Writer: David Mirkin / Director: David Mirkin

 Chris chokes to death while eating his morning cereal, he then comes
 back to life with the ability to see "flashbacks" from the future.
 He has a vision of Sharon being murdered, but nobody believes him.

    Ted ............... Larry Cedar
    Betty ............. Deborah Benson
    Abe Lincoln ....... Robert V. Barron
    Guy ............... Gary Bolen



(kitchen)

Chris -- Morning Mom and Dad. Or is it Dad and Mom, I always get you two
mixed up. (laughs) Hmm.
Gladys -- So what kind of crazy, looney, laugh-a-minute type shenanagins are
you up to today?
Chris -- Well actually, nothing at all. (laugh) I have no plans whatsoever.
Today is gonna be that true rarity in my life, an ordinary, intensely boring,
nothing special day. (Chokes on Cornflakes.)

Fred -- Will ya listen to that boy eat? Every morning it's like we're
slopping the hogs. 
Gladys -- Lay off him Fred. Those are the sounds of a healthy normal boy. 
Fred -- Well they make me sick to my stomach. Knock it off Chris. Well blow
me down, for once he listened. 
Chris -- What the hell? I'm looking down on myself. Eew. I really should
inquire into some sort of hair piece. Uh? Some sort of incredible, mystical
force is beckoning me skyward. oh huh. Hey, this is kinda cool. I feel like a
slightly bloated Peter Pan. Wow. This is exactly like they said the hearafter
would look like in those Time/Life books. Hm. So that was money well spent.
Kinda makes my theory that it would be one big giant circus tent with a lot
of cotton candy and people-less dancing pants kinda sound foolish now. Boy
there's even that incredibly peaceful white light drawing me ever nearer.
Ugh. Wouldn't you know it. Even the afterlife has it's share of muggers. 
Guy --Oooh I'm here to comfort you ya moron!
Chris -- Oh I'm sorry. You looked like you were going right for my wallet. 
Guy -- Just move toward the light. That really hurt you jerk.
Chris -- Okay. This is it. They say when you reach the light all the
mysteries of life will be answered. Like why we're hear and why there's
always room for jello.  Oh, oh, Mr. Lincoln. Oh. Your highness. I'm your
hugest fan. 
Lincoln -- Listen curlie, you're not supposed to be here yet--so get lost. 
Chris -- What?
Lincoln -- You heard me.. There's been a screw-up, now  get the hell out of
here!
Chris -- Allright, allright don't push me. Jeeze. With an attitude like that
it's no wonder you got shot. I guess I get to go back because my Mommy and
Daddy labored to save my life. Hey! Mom! Dad! How 'bout a little action huh?
Jeeze, what are they waiting for, me to start stinkin' up the place? 
GLADYS -- Fred, doesn't Chris look alittle blueish to you? 
FRED -- All I know is it's finally quite around here, don't jinx it. 
GLADYS -- But look at him, he is distinctly blue. 
FRED -- He probably choked on his cereal again. 
GLADYS -- Well then do something!
FRED -- Allright woman.
CHRIS -- Great, can ya move it Dad? Jeeze, I'm not in the mood to be in some
kinda limbo-hell for the rest of my life. Huh huh Oh. Jeeze.  Boy. Well it's
about time Gosh I couldna been floating outside my body forever. (laughs) I
coulda gotten brain damage. Wait a second, maybe I did, I'm having trouble
telling the difference between apples and cheese.
FRED -- You always did have trouble with that. 
CHRIS -- Oh, oh (laughs)  good. Wow, that's a relief. (laughs) Oh I'm kinda
tired. I think I'll go upstairs and take a knap. Dying kinda makes ya sleepy.


CHRIS'S ROOM

CHRIS -- Bing bing bing deedle eet eet deet etc. I think I'll have a little
glass of "Moo" and then it's off to dreamland U.S.A. Ugh. whooo. Boy, what
was that? I'm used to little explosions going off inside my head but that one
was a lulapalooza.  Umm Boy. umm mm mm etc. Oh, oh two weeks past the
expiration date. (laughs) That always takes a couple of seconds to get used
to. Mmm Ah Okay. Bup bup ba  ul la ta di.etc. Okay.  Hey, wait a second, I'm
doing what I just saw myself  doing.  Hmm That's weird, huh, even for me.  
Ahh. There's another one. (laughs) Boy. But why would I be holding my head
like that.  Jeeze.  Uh.  Hey hey neat, neat  I can see the future. Oh no, no
that's nuts Come on, they'll say you're crazier than the time you said a
minuature U.F.O. flew into your stomach.  No, no (laughs) that was just a
little too strange. That could never happen to me. Oh my god, it's exactly
the same, right down to the cute, sexy sequin vest. I can see into the
future. Oh, Mommy and Daddy are going to be so proud. 

FRED -- You're an idiot, Boy!
CHRIS -- But why don't you believe me?
FRED -- Because it has the distinct ring of "A U.F.O. flew into my navel." 
CHRIS -- Allright, allright. I know I ran into a little bit of a hard
evidence problem on that one but that was just because you were too cheap to
have my gut cat-scanned, but this I can prove. 
FRED -- Dazzle us. 
CHRIS -- Fine. Sometimes I have to hit my head to make it happen. 
FRED -- You need some help with that? 
CHRIS -- Okay. Maw? Very soon you will have bright red hair not unlike Bozo. 
GLADYS -- Chris, what is this desire in you to always make an ass of
yourself? I would never make my hair Bozo red. I hate Bozo. He's nothing but
a thinly disguised Satan for children.
FRED -- I love Bozo.
CHRIS --  Allright, fine, let me try something that will happen a little
sooner. Ah. Okay, fine, Dad, before this meal is over, you will tell me to
shut the hell up. 
FRED -- Chris, not a meal goes by that I don't tell you to shut the hell up. 
CHRIS -- Some people are so threatened by other people's super-powers.
GLADYS -- Chris, you've got to understand, it's hard for your father and me
to believe you have any ordinary abilities let alone special ones. 
CHRIS -- Wait I almost got one.  Oh okay fine good. Dad? Bless you. 
FRED -- What the hell are you talking ..(sneezes)!
CHRIS -- Ta Daah.
FRED -- Shut the hell up.
CHRIS -- Ta Daah again.
FRED -- That's it. Predict this. 

POTTER'S RESIDENCE

SHARON -- It's so wonderful to finally have the two of you back.
BETTY -- It's nice to be back.  Um, It's just the four of us this time,
right?
SHARON -- Yes. For the hundreth time. That bald pinhead Chris Peterson is not
going to crash our dinner party again. 
CHRIS -- (knocking at the door) C'mon let me in, I've got something to show
you. 
LARRY -- I swear on my father's life I said nothing. 
TED -- Ah you know we really, we have to be going. My wife is starting to get
the shakes.
SHARON -- Oh no. I assure you. He won't get in. Please, the doors are all
 locked and sealed. The house is virtually idiot-proof. 
CHRIS -- Please! eh The hell with it. 

SHARON --There, you see? It's as easy as outsmarting a stupid mangy schizie
squirrel. 
CHRIS -- Um menuh. Good evening fair party-goers. The door was jammed but the
trelis was quite accomodating. 
SHARON --Chris, I'm gonna give you this one chance only--get out or die.
CHRIS -- (laughs) But Chris Peterson has already died once today. But never
fear, for in his place was reborn an entertainer like none the world has ever
seen. Suffice to say it's as if everyone's dream had come true and Sigfried
and Roy.....had a baby. 
SHARON -- Larry, get him out of here or suffer later. 
CHRIS -- I realize that my presence may cause some initial trepidation in
some of the less attractive, meaner types among us. Hi Sharon. But I assure
you that your anger will turn to delight once I show you my wares. 
TED-- Oh no! He's gonna moon us!
CHRIS -- How crass and inaccurate of you sir. I assure you dear lady that my
posterior shall remain shealthed in my trousers.  (kisses her hand) ... for
the moment. Now watch as I take you on a mystical, magical, journey into the
strange and wonderful world...of the future. Ah Oh Okay ah. My dear, with
such a handsome frock, you aught not to be so clumsy with your beverage. And
you sir shall have to see a repairman in the morning about those spectacles
you wear. Thank you thank you thank you...
SHARON -- Allright that's it, I hope the two of you don't mind but , as
hostess of this dinner party I feel it is my duty to punch his face in.
LARRY -- Now take it easy both of you...
CHRIS -- Well ah as you can see both my predictions have transpired exactly
as predicted. Ma'am would you care to examine the glasses to satisfy yourself
that they are not of the "trick" variety?
BETTY -- Get away from me you bastard! 
CHRIS -- Yes, well ah, perhaps that's a good idea. I'll ah go into the
kitchen and retrieve a handywipe for you garment  And when I return we can
discuss some of the visions I've had into mankind's more distant future.
Here's  a little hint to wet your appetites...Foil Pants!
 
KITCHEN

CHRIS -- Don't be such a wall flower. Don't be afraid to come on a little
stronger.  Oh my god! Someone's gonna kill Sharon. 

LIVING ROOM

LARRY -- Listen Betty, Ted, I'm sure he'll be right back to apologize. 
CHRIS -- You're gonna die up there. 
TED -- Honey run for it.


CHRIS -- Didn't you fools just hear what I said? Someone's gonna kill Sharon.
LARRY -- Chris that's ridiculous. Who in the world would want to kill Sharon?

CHRIS -- Larry wake up, the question is who wouldn't.  Don't you see what
this proves? Everything I've been saying for all these years, that you can't
go around being an annoying, humorless, man-eating bitch without eventually
getting killed for it. 
SHARON -- Chris, If you really can see into the future, I'd like you to look
into it right now. 
CHRIS -- Oh sure no problem. Oh Well I guess I better be going. 
Sharon you gotta believe me I wouldn't just say something like that cause I'm
not that kind of guy. 
(Re-enters)  Now isn't that interesting. Even though I clearly saw Sharon hit
me, I was able to avoid the blow, thereby answering the age-old question as
to whether or not the future is fluid and changeable or forever etched in
stone. (Sharon punches him)
Obviously there are no simple answers.

CHRIS'S ROOM

CHRIS -- I don't know what I'm so upset about. I mean I did my part. I warned
her and she didn't listen. It's not like there's any kinda cash reward
involved. So what if she dies. Oh no I can't say that.  I mean, she's a human
being, or at least something just one knotch below. 
Oh no, there it is again. These things are actually kinda fun to watch. Oh
look, the TV's playing an episode of Mod Squad, the one where Link gets
emotions. That's on tonight. Sharon Potter's going to die tonight. Why can't
I see who the killer is? It's as if I'm seeing everything through his eyes.
Wait a second, the reason I can't see who the killer is because I'm the
killer. I did it.  Oh no, no, that's,  that's not possible. I mean sure I've
thought about it everyday since I've known her but that's just my little cute
imagination. No I, I couldn't could I? Naw, (laughs) It's not like everything
I've predicted has come true. 

GLADYS -- Hi Chris.
CHRIS -- (screams)
FRED -- Jeeze, he turns more into an old woman everyday.
GLADYS -- Don't be frightened honey, It's just your parents. We came to
apologize. I put a rinse on my hair and it came out looking like Bozo just
like you said. I must have gotten a mislabled bottle.
FRED -- Anyway you probably did come back from the dead with some psychic
power or some kinda junk. And we'll never doubt you again.
GLADYS -- In fact now were more frightened of you than ever. It's like having
one of the Children of the Damned. 
CHRIS -- Oh Mom and Dad this couldn't have come at a more critical time. I
need you two to believe in me now for I have truely glimpsed a horror.
GLADYS -- Oooh this is getting good. What is it? 
CHRIS -- I have had two distinct visions that Sharon Potter will be murdered
tonight  and no one will believe me. But now I have the two of you to back me
up.
FRED -- Huh You're nuts boy!
GLADYS -- What do you take us for, morons?
CHRIS -- But you just said that....
GLADYS -- Well Bozo hair is one thing but this?
FRED -- Yeah, call us when you have a body.
CHRIS -- Mom Dad wait wait. You've gotta believe me I've seen it. I killed
her. I'm gonna kill Sharon Potter.
GLADYS -- Allright allright suppose your gonna kill her what are we supposed
to do about it?
FRED -- Yeah there's a good Mod Squad on tonight. 
CHRIS -- Well ah.. Tie me up. Tie me up like you've never tied me up before.
Tie me up so tight that I can't get out no matter how stark raving mad I
become.

LATER 

CHRIS -- Not so tight Mom I think you're cutting off my circulation.
GLADYS --  Hey, you said tight you get tight don't bug me. 
FRED -- That should do it, Now all that's left is to gag him. 
GLADYS -- Don't gag him Fred he might choke on his own vomit.
FRED -- Allright. 
CHRIS -- Mom? Dad? Thank you. You know? Sometimes I wonder if you two guys
really love me, but then it's, it's moments like these that I realize I have
the best damn parents in the whole wide world. (laughs) Now remember don't
untie me no matter how I may scream, yell and curse.
GLADYS --You don't have to remind us honey, those have always been the rules.
FRED -- If he drowns out Mod Squad, he gets the gag.
CHRIS -- Ah. Great, oh boy, now I can finally relax. (laughs)
 Wait...wait...It's not me. It's not me. I'm not a maniac. I'm normal, or, or
at least more normal than I thought. It's my best friend Larry Potter. Jeeze
the guy's finally come to his senses, good for him.  Oh what am I saying? I,
I can't say that. I can't let a person die, not even if it's Sharon Potter.
(struggles) Oh how am I going to save her? You know they say at times like
these when people you care about are in mortal danger you can generate
super-human strength. ( assorted grunts) Sorry Sharon, you should have been
nicer to me.  Oh jeeze okay so I don't have super-human strength. But,
luckily my dad still ties knots like a girl. Great ugh. Ah, hello police?
Yes, ah, someone is being murdered...or about to be. Yeah, it's ah, Larry
Potter and he's murdering his wife Sharon Potter. Right. And they live at
1343 ah, Meadowbrook Lane. Uh huh. Who am I? Ah, I'm Ella Fitzgerald.  Oh? oh
well thank you very much that's, that's very nice.

POTTER'S BEDROOM

LARRY -- It's useless to struggle. I've got you now. 
CHRIS -- Larry, Larry get off her. ooh ooh ooh ooh Jeeze. Larry, Larry get
off her. Oh. Larry, you'll never get away with it.  Larry, if you're gonna
kill her at least think of something more clever. 
SHARON -- Larry, why did you stop? I was just getting into...it. 
CHRIS -- Oh my god, she's delirious from lack of oxygen. Sharon? Sharon, it's
okay. It's okay. It's me. I, I saved you from death. Me, you're worse enemy
in life. (laughs) Ironic huh? 
SHARON -- Get away from me you idiot?
CHRIS -- You idiot? Huh, I think she's almost back to normal.
SHARON -- What the hell are you doing here?
CHRIS -- Oh my god shhh she doesn't remember. Oh you poor confused shrew.
Sharon, Larry was trying to kill you, and after a long internal stuggle I
decided to save your life. So you see I've discovered new-found feelings for
you Sharon, and I think that deep down you probably have those feelings for
me too.  
SHARON -- Larry was not trying to kill me you moron. 
CHRIS -- Sharon your making my new-found feelings for you go straight down
the crapper. I saw him try to kill you.
SHARON -- Ugh.
LARRY -- Chris, we were just sort of...fooling around.
CHRIS -- Huh?
LARRY --  It kinda gets us in the mood. 
CHRIS -- Uhh..excuse me are you saying that this whole thing here was ah, a
little game?  That's sick! 
LARRY -- Usually she chases me but every once in a while she lets me switch. 
SHARON -- Shut up. Why don't you just go tell him all our private secrets? 
CHRIS -- Well actually I thought he had. Larry, I feel kinda personally
betrayed here. How could you keep something so weird from me? I couldn't get
you to shut up about the dinasaur mask and the ball of twine.
SHARON -- (freaks)
LARRY -- I said said nothing sweetheart. It was just an incredibly lucky
guess. 
CHRIS -- Well I guess if anything this proves once and for all that I can see
into the future. 
SHARON -- What the hell is that?
CHRIS -- Ah well that, that would be the police. Yeah, ah, I took the liberty
of giving them a call. (laughs) But cha know I, I'm sure everything will be
fine once you explain what was going on here, in great detail. (laughs) But
cha know Sharon, I honestly think we learned kind of a valuable lesson here
tonight-- that no matter how you and I act, deep down we honestly care about
each others welfare and I think that maybe we even love each other. 
SHARON -- Chris...that is just so sweet. It's to bad that you have to die.
 (strangles Chris)

CHRIS -- Now ain't that the crazinest thing? 

THE END