GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- PSYCHIC 2000 22. 05/19/91 "PSYCHIC 2000" Writer: David Mirkin / Director: David Mirkin Chris chokes to death while eating his morning cereal, he then comes back to life with the ability to see "flashbacks" from the future. He has a vision of Sharon being murdered, but nobody believes him. Ted ............... Larry Cedar Betty ............. Deborah Benson Abe Lincoln ....... Robert V. Barron Guy ............... Gary Bolen (kitchen) Chris -- Morning Mom and Dad. Or is it Dad and Mom, I always get you two mixed up. (laughs) Hmm. Gladys -- So what kind of crazy, looney, laugh-a-minute type shenanagins are you up to today? Chris -- Well actually, nothing at all. (laugh) I have no plans whatsoever. Today is gonna be that true rarity in my life, an ordinary, intensely boring, nothing special day. (Chokes on Cornflakes.) Fred -- Will ya listen to that boy eat? Every morning it's like we're slopping the hogs. Gladys -- Lay off him Fred. Those are the sounds of a healthy normal boy. Fred -- Well they make me sick to my stomach. Knock it off Chris. Well blow me down, for once he listened. Chris -- What the hell? I'm looking down on myself. Eew. I really should inquire into some sort of hair piece. Uh? Some sort of incredible, mystical force is beckoning me skyward. oh huh. Hey, this is kinda cool. I feel like a slightly bloated Peter Pan. Wow. This is exactly like they said the hearafter would look like in those Time/Life books. Hm. So that was money well spent. Kinda makes my theory that it would be one big giant circus tent with a lot of cotton candy and people-less dancing pants kinda sound foolish now. Boy there's even that incredibly peaceful white light drawing me ever nearer. Ugh. Wouldn't you know it. Even the afterlife has it's share of muggers. Guy --Oooh I'm here to comfort you ya moron! Chris -- Oh I'm sorry. You looked like you were going right for my wallet. Guy -- Just move toward the light. That really hurt you jerk. Chris -- Okay. This is it. They say when you reach the light all the mysteries of life will be answered. Like why we're hear and why there's always room for jello. Oh, oh, Mr. Lincoln. Oh. Your highness. I'm your hugest fan. Lincoln -- Listen curlie, you're not supposed to be here yet--so get lost. Chris -- What? Lincoln -- You heard me.. There's been a screw-up, now get the hell out of here! Chris -- Allright, allright don't push me. Jeeze. With an attitude like that it's no wonder you got shot. I guess I get to go back because my Mommy and Daddy labored to save my life. Hey! Mom! Dad! How 'bout a little action huh? Jeeze, what are they waiting for, me to start stinkin' up the place? GLADYS -- Fred, doesn't Chris look alittle blueish to you? FRED -- All I know is it's finally quite around here, don't jinx it. GLADYS -- But look at him, he is distinctly blue. FRED -- He probably choked on his cereal again. GLADYS -- Well then do something! FRED -- Allright woman. CHRIS -- Great, can ya move it Dad? Jeeze, I'm not in the mood to be in some kinda limbo-hell for the rest of my life. Huh huh Oh. Jeeze. Boy. Well it's about time Gosh I couldna been floating outside my body forever. (laughs) I coulda gotten brain damage. Wait a second, maybe I did, I'm having trouble telling the difference between apples and cheese. FRED -- You always did have trouble with that. CHRIS -- Oh, oh (laughs) good. Wow, that's a relief. (laughs) Oh I'm kinda tired. I think I'll go upstairs and take a knap. Dying kinda makes ya sleepy. CHRIS'S ROOM CHRIS -- Bing bing bing deedle eet eet deet etc. I think I'll have a little glass of "Moo" and then it's off to dreamland U.S.A. Ugh. whooo. Boy, what was that? I'm used to little explosions going off inside my head but that one was a lulapalooza. Umm Boy. umm mm mm etc. Oh, oh two weeks past the expiration date. (laughs) That always takes a couple of seconds to get used to. Mmm Ah Okay. Bup bup ba ul la ta di.etc. Okay. Hey, wait a second, I'm doing what I just saw myself doing. Hmm That's weird, huh, even for me. Ahh. There's another one. (laughs) Boy. But why would I be holding my head like that. Jeeze. Uh. Hey hey neat, neat I can see the future. Oh no, no that's nuts Come on, they'll say you're crazier than the time you said a minuature U.F.O. flew into your stomach. No, no (laughs) that was just a little too strange. That could never happen to me. Oh my god, it's exactly the same, right down to the cute, sexy sequin vest. I can see into the future. Oh, Mommy and Daddy are going to be so proud. FRED -- You're an idiot, Boy! CHRIS -- But why don't you believe me? FRED -- Because it has the distinct ring of "A U.F.O. flew into my navel." CHRIS -- Allright, allright. I know I ran into a little bit of a hard evidence problem on that one but that was just because you were too cheap to have my gut cat-scanned, but this I can prove. FRED -- Dazzle us. CHRIS -- Fine. Sometimes I have to hit my head to make it happen. FRED -- You need some help with that? CHRIS -- Okay. Maw? Very soon you will have bright red hair not unlike Bozo. GLADYS -- Chris, what is this desire in you to always make an ass of yourself? I would never make my hair Bozo red. I hate Bozo. He's nothing but a thinly disguised Satan for children. FRED -- I love Bozo. CHRIS -- Allright, fine, let me try something that will happen a little sooner. Ah. Okay, fine, Dad, before this meal is over, you will tell me to shut the hell up. FRED -- Chris, not a meal goes by that I don't tell you to shut the hell up. CHRIS -- Some people are so threatened by other people's super-powers. GLADYS -- Chris, you've got to understand, it's hard for your father and me to believe you have any ordinary abilities let alone special ones. CHRIS -- Wait I almost got one. Oh okay fine good. Dad? Bless you. FRED -- What the hell are you talking ..(sneezes)! CHRIS -- Ta Daah. FRED -- Shut the hell up. CHRIS -- Ta Daah again. FRED -- That's it. Predict this. POTTER'S RESIDENCE SHARON -- It's so wonderful to finally have the two of you back. BETTY -- It's nice to be back. Um, It's just the four of us this time, right? SHARON -- Yes. For the hundreth time. That bald pinhead Chris Peterson is not going to crash our dinner party again. CHRIS -- (knocking at the door) C'mon let me in, I've got something to show you. LARRY -- I swear on my father's life I said nothing. TED -- Ah you know we really, we have to be going. My wife is starting to get the shakes. SHARON -- Oh no. I assure you. He won't get in. Please, the doors are all locked and sealed. The house is virtually idiot-proof. CHRIS -- Please! eh The hell with it. SHARON --There, you see? It's as easy as outsmarting a stupid mangy schizie squirrel. CHRIS -- Um menuh. Good evening fair party-goers. The door was jammed but the trelis was quite accomodating. SHARON --Chris, I'm gonna give you this one chance only--get out or die. CHRIS -- (laughs) But Chris Peterson has already died once today. But never fear, for in his place was reborn an entertainer like none the world has ever seen. Suffice to say it's as if everyone's dream had come true and Sigfried and Roy.....had a baby. SHARON -- Larry, get him out of here or suffer later. CHRIS -- I realize that my presence may cause some initial trepidation in some of the less attractive, meaner types among us. Hi Sharon. But I assure you that your anger will turn to delight once I show you my wares. TED-- Oh no! He's gonna moon us! CHRIS -- How crass and inaccurate of you sir. I assure you dear lady that my posterior shall remain shealthed in my trousers. (kisses her hand) ... for the moment. Now watch as I take you on a mystical, magical, journey into the strange and wonderful world...of the future. Ah Oh Okay ah. My dear, with such a handsome frock, you aught not to be so clumsy with your beverage. And you sir shall have to see a repairman in the morning about those spectacles you wear. Thank you thank you thank you... SHARON -- Allright that's it, I hope the two of you don't mind but , as hostess of this dinner party I feel it is my duty to punch his face in. LARRY -- Now take it easy both of you... CHRIS -- Well ah as you can see both my predictions have transpired exactly as predicted. Ma'am would you care to examine the glasses to satisfy yourself that they are not of the "trick" variety? BETTY -- Get away from me you bastard! CHRIS -- Yes, well ah, perhaps that's a good idea. I'll ah go into the kitchen and retrieve a handywipe for you garment And when I return we can discuss some of the visions I've had into mankind's more distant future. Here's a little hint to wet your appetites...Foil Pants! KITCHEN CHRIS -- Don't be such a wall flower. Don't be afraid to come on a little stronger. Oh my god! Someone's gonna kill Sharon. LIVING ROOM LARRY -- Listen Betty, Ted, I'm sure he'll be right back to apologize. CHRIS -- You're gonna die up there. TED -- Honey run for it. CHRIS -- Didn't you fools just hear what I said? Someone's gonna kill Sharon. LARRY -- Chris that's ridiculous. Who in the world would want to kill Sharon? CHRIS -- Larry wake up, the question is who wouldn't. Don't you see what this proves? Everything I've been saying for all these years, that you can't go around being an annoying, humorless, man-eating bitch without eventually getting killed for it. SHARON -- Chris, If you really can see into the future, I'd like you to look into it right now. CHRIS -- Oh sure no problem. Oh Well I guess I better be going. Sharon you gotta believe me I wouldn't just say something like that cause I'm not that kind of guy. (Re-enters) Now isn't that interesting. Even though I clearly saw Sharon hit me, I was able to avoid the blow, thereby answering the age-old question as to whether or not the future is fluid and changeable or forever etched in stone. (Sharon punches him) Obviously there are no simple answers. CHRIS'S ROOM CHRIS -- I don't know what I'm so upset about. I mean I did my part. I warned her and she didn't listen. It's not like there's any kinda cash reward involved. So what if she dies. Oh no I can't say that. I mean, she's a human being, or at least something just one knotch below. Oh no, there it is again. These things are actually kinda fun to watch. Oh look, the TV's playing an episode of Mod Squad, the one where Link gets emotions. That's on tonight. Sharon Potter's going to die tonight. Why can't I see who the killer is? It's as if I'm seeing everything through his eyes. Wait a second, the reason I can't see who the killer is because I'm the killer. I did it. Oh no, no, that's, that's not possible. I mean sure I've thought about it everyday since I've known her but that's just my little cute imagination. No I, I couldn't could I? Naw, (laughs) It's not like everything I've predicted has come true. GLADYS -- Hi Chris. CHRIS -- (screams) FRED -- Jeeze, he turns more into an old woman everyday. GLADYS -- Don't be frightened honey, It's just your parents. We came to apologize. I put a rinse on my hair and it came out looking like Bozo just like you said. I must have gotten a mislabled bottle. FRED -- Anyway you probably did come back from the dead with some psychic power or some kinda junk. And we'll never doubt you again. GLADYS -- In fact now were more frightened of you than ever. It's like having one of the Children of the Damned. CHRIS -- Oh Mom and Dad this couldn't have come at a more critical time. I need you two to believe in me now for I have truely glimpsed a horror. GLADYS -- Oooh this is getting good. What is it? CHRIS -- I have had two distinct visions that Sharon Potter will be murdered tonight and no one will believe me. But now I have the two of you to back me up. FRED -- Huh You're nuts boy! GLADYS -- What do you take us for, morons? CHRIS -- But you just said that.... GLADYS -- Well Bozo hair is one thing but this? FRED -- Yeah, call us when you have a body. CHRIS -- Mom Dad wait wait. You've gotta believe me I've seen it. I killed her. I'm gonna kill Sharon Potter. GLADYS -- Allright allright suppose your gonna kill her what are we supposed to do about it? FRED -- Yeah there's a good Mod Squad on tonight. CHRIS -- Well ah.. Tie me up. Tie me up like you've never tied me up before. Tie me up so tight that I can't get out no matter how stark raving mad I become. LATER CHRIS -- Not so tight Mom I think you're cutting off my circulation. GLADYS -- Hey, you said tight you get tight don't bug me. FRED -- That should do it, Now all that's left is to gag him. GLADYS -- Don't gag him Fred he might choke on his own vomit. FRED -- Allright. CHRIS -- Mom? Dad? Thank you. You know? Sometimes I wonder if you two guys really love me, but then it's, it's moments like these that I realize I have the best damn parents in the whole wide world. (laughs) Now remember don't untie me no matter how I may scream, yell and curse. GLADYS --You don't have to remind us honey, those have always been the rules. FRED -- If he drowns out Mod Squad, he gets the gag. CHRIS -- Ah. Great, oh boy, now I can finally relax. (laughs) Wait...wait...It's not me. It's not me. I'm not a maniac. I'm normal, or, or at least more normal than I thought. It's my best friend Larry Potter. Jeeze the guy's finally come to his senses, good for him. Oh what am I saying? I, I can't say that. I can't let a person die, not even if it's Sharon Potter. (struggles) Oh how am I going to save her? You know they say at times like these when people you care about are in mortal danger you can generate super-human strength. ( assorted grunts) Sorry Sharon, you should have been nicer to me. Oh jeeze okay so I don't have super-human strength. But, luckily my dad still ties knots like a girl. Great ugh. Ah, hello police? Yes, ah, someone is being murdered...or about to be. Yeah, it's ah, Larry Potter and he's murdering his wife Sharon Potter. Right. And they live at 1343 ah, Meadowbrook Lane. Uh huh. Who am I? Ah, I'm Ella Fitzgerald. Oh? oh well thank you very much that's, that's very nice. POTTER'S BEDROOM LARRY -- It's useless to struggle. I've got you now. CHRIS -- Larry, Larry get off her. ooh ooh ooh ooh Jeeze. Larry, Larry get off her. Oh. Larry, you'll never get away with it. Larry, if you're gonna kill her at least think of something more clever. SHARON -- Larry, why did you stop? I was just getting into...it. CHRIS -- Oh my god, she's delirious from lack of oxygen. Sharon? Sharon, it's okay. It's okay. It's me. I, I saved you from death. Me, you're worse enemy in life. (laughs) Ironic huh? SHARON -- Get away from me you idiot? CHRIS -- You idiot? Huh, I think she's almost back to normal. SHARON -- What the hell are you doing here? CHRIS -- Oh my god shhh she doesn't remember. Oh you poor confused shrew. Sharon, Larry was trying to kill you, and after a long internal stuggle I decided to save your life. So you see I've discovered new-found feelings for you Sharon, and I think that deep down you probably have those feelings for me too. SHARON -- Larry was not trying to kill me you moron. CHRIS -- Sharon your making my new-found feelings for you go straight down the crapper. I saw him try to kill you. SHARON -- Ugh. LARRY -- Chris, we were just sort of...fooling around. CHRIS -- Huh? LARRY -- It kinda gets us in the mood. CHRIS -- Uhh..excuse me are you saying that this whole thing here was ah, a little game? That's sick! LARRY -- Usually she chases me but every once in a while she lets me switch. SHARON -- Shut up. Why don't you just go tell him all our private secrets? CHRIS -- Well actually I thought he had. Larry, I feel kinda personally betrayed here. How could you keep something so weird from me? I couldn't get you to shut up about the dinasaur mask and the ball of twine. SHARON -- (freaks) LARRY -- I said said nothing sweetheart. It was just an incredibly lucky guess. CHRIS -- Well I guess if anything this proves once and for all that I can see into the future. SHARON -- What the hell is that? CHRIS -- Ah well that, that would be the police. Yeah, ah, I took the liberty of giving them a call. (laughs) But cha know I, I'm sure everything will be fine once you explain what was going on here, in great detail. (laughs) But cha know Sharon, I honestly think we learned kind of a valuable lesson here tonight-- that no matter how you and I act, deep down we honestly care about each others welfare and I think that maybe we even love each other. SHARON -- Chris...that is just so sweet. It's to bad that you have to die. (strangles Chris) CHRIS -- Now ain't that the crazinest thing? THE END