GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- MEATLOCKER 2000 25. 11/23/91 "MEAT LOCKER 2000" (203) Writer: Jace Richdale / Director: David Mirkin When Chris chases off Sharon's new boyfriend, she must use him to take her former beau's place at a dinner party. Chris and Sharon get trapped in her walk-in living room meat locker, and are forced to "share warmth". Chris tells Sharon that while he has considered her an evil, castrating, she-creature from hell, he also always found her to be quite shapely. Dr. Glen Morris ... Drew Pillsbury Janet ............. Marti Muller Tammy ............. Louan Gideon Bill .............. Michael Halpin POTTER LIVING ROOM SHARON -- Oh Glen, these last couple of weeks have been so wonderful. I feel incredibly close to you already. And it's not just because your a prestigious surgeon with social position, Jag and a mansion full of toadying servants. No my sweets it's because you make me laugh. GLEN -- Sharon the last couple of weeks have been great for me too. SHARON -- Dare we dream of a future together? CHRIS -- (barges in) Oah. Hi Sharon. I didn't feel like doing laundry so I thought I'd come over here and borrow some of Larry's underpants. I don't think he'll mind since that he's not around anymore. I sure hope he has boxer shorts cause those tight jockeys really kinda cramp my style if you know what I mean. Neh heh heh heh heh heh. I think you do. Heh heh heh. Hey, who the hell are you? GLEN -- Dr. Glenn Morris. And you are? CHRIS -- I'm Chris.... SHARON -- An idiot..leaving. CHRIS -- Oh a doctor huh? Hmm. So what, does she have that Elephant Man thing and you didn't want to bring her down to the hospital...frighten the other patients? GLEN -- No. Sharon and I have been seeing each other. CHRIS -- (gasps) Oh my god Sharon. You have the nerve to be living out your filthy little sex fantasies when your husband's dear corpse isn't even cold in the ground? I could pass a kidney right here on the floor. GLEN -- Ah corpse? Ah heh. I thought you said ah, Larry had disappeared. SHARON -- He did ,of course. And this is the jackass who drove him off. CHRIS -- Well that's what she'd like people to think but ah, the truth would make a street-hardened homocide dick drop to his knees and vomit like a choirgirl. GLEN -- You're insinuating that she, she killed her husband? kyeh ha ha ha I'm sorry but I have a very hard time believing that this sweet little thing is capable of violence. SHARON -- Thank you darling. (they kiss. she turns to Chris) Now GET OUT before I set you on fire and put it out with an axe! GLEN -- Gee she, she is a little scary. CHRIS -- Only if you find the words "mysterious stench in the crawlspace" scary. You never know when she's gonna blow. And boy if she's got a motive well, you can just kiss your well-groomed butt goodbye. I just pray you're not a wealthy man. SHARON -- Get, get out! Get out! Get out! GLEN -- Ah look Sharon, I gotta run. Ah look. Yeah I'll call you sometime. Oh yeah, yeah, a tidbit of trivia for ya. Ya know that fence around my mansion? That's electric. CHRIS -- Jeeze, what a jerk. You're better off alone and celebate until Larry finishes whoring around and comes back home. SHARON -- Oh Chris. I've always tried to control myself with you because after all you were Larry's best friend. But now that Larry isn't around anymore I see no reason to continue holding back. CHRIS -- Sharon please, I don't think you've ever been holding back. SHARON -- (kicks Chris in the face) CHRIS -- Damn, she was holding back. SHARON -- (beats the hell out of Chris) LATER SHARON -- (still beating) You ruined everything you stupid dork. I was giving a dinner party tomorrow night to show off Glen to a few of my old soroity sisters. I finally snagged the perfect man after the humiliation of losing Larry and all I wanted to do was to watch my two dearest friends in the world slobber with envy. CHRIS -- Andy Taylor, now you listen to your Aunt Bee. That boy Opie needs a mother. SHARON -- Uagh. Oh I've got to get another date by tomorrow night. I know I promised them Glen; rich, spineless, easily dominated Glen. Ah, I've got to get a Glen impersonator. Oh what stupid sap would go along with a plan like that? Oh no, not him. No anyone but him. Maybe if I just put one of Larry's suits on the dog I. Oh. Maybe he wouldn't be so bad after all. Ah..it just...it might work if I, if I really load there drinks they just might go for it. Ah Chris. CHRIS -- Uh. SHARON -- Chris. CHRIS -- What, what, who. SHARON -- Come on. CHRIS -- Ow, when ow wow. SHARON -- Yes. CHRIS -- ow. SHARON -- I've decided to let you live. On one condition... CHRIS - Mm hm. SHARON -- that you pose as Glen at my dinner party tomorrow night. CHRIS -- Get real Sharon, come on. SHARON -- (puts Chris' head through the wall) CHRIS -- So what time is your lovely soiree? POTTER LIVING ROOM CHRIS -- Ah Sharon. I don't know about Larry's suit, here. Eeeh. It's a little tight in the butt. Eee. SHARON -- Oh please Chris, don't expend all your charm before the company arrives. CHRIS -- Hey huh, now that's funny. Ya know in all the times I've been coming over here, I never realized you had one of those handy walk-in meat lockers. I always thought that was just a powder room SHARON -- (doorbell rings) Oh good that must be them. Ooh time enough for one more threat. Chris, if you blow this my last beating will seem like a sweet memory. GUESTS -- Sharon oh. Oh you look so beautiful SHARON -- You too. CHRIS -- (gags wretches and points to himself) SHARON -- Everyone, I'd like you to meet Dr. Glen Morris. CHRIS -- Eh hm hm. Ladies, Ahuh huh huh. Sharon has told me so much about you two. Mhuh. You know I pratically feel like I'm one of you. Not that I'm wearing anything frilly underneath the suit you understand. (chuckles) Hey hey hey heh heh. Come on honey. Come over here and fork over some of that sweet stuff. Come on here we go. GUEST -- Oh, oh, agh. CHRIS -- Heh heh heh Alright hold on to your padded bra I'm not playin' favorites you too. Here we go. SHARON -- Why don't we all just sit down, shall we? CHRIS -- Oh yeah. Allright everybody. Let's all go over here. Heh heh. Okay Woo Wew hoo. Partee yeah! GUEST -- Sharon, SHARON -- Ugh. GUEST -- We were so sorry to hear about Larry. SHARON -- Thank you dear. But you know I, I'm really getting over it quite well, thanks to Glen. CHRIS -- Oh jeeze honey. Oh man. That goes triple for me milkdud ears. (laughs) Why do I suddenly have a craving for nuget. (laughs) SHARON -- That's wonderful. BILL -- So ah Glen. CHRIS-- Mm. BILL -- Sharon tells us you're a micro-neuro-surgeon? CHRIS -- So what are you saying, I'm not one? Or that I don't even know what one is? Allright well gnaw on this bud, okay? A mico...whatchama...whosit is a guy who operates on brains, okay? And when it comes to that I am king hot-pants. In fact, I could take this pen right here, and I could stick it in your ear, and with just a slight manipulation I could make you jump up, drop your trousers and do a embarassing little poodle hop. Allright, so back off Mr. Joe-College-Nazi-Frat-Boy. Eech. I also invented gum. Engh. GUEST -- I'm sorry, chewing gum has been around for hundreds of years. CHRIS -- Oh yeah right honey, and the pilgrims came over on the space shuttle. (laughs) Quick, someone get her a drink before she whips out her flask. (laughs) GUEST -- The important thing is that the two of you are happy together. CHRIS -- Mm oh jeeze hey, you hit the nail on the head there. (sniffs) you know, I have never been more content in my life. (sniffs) And you're talking to a guy who's slept with every high-priced hooker in the state. (laughs, sniffs) But not one of them holds a candle to this lady right here. (laughs) No, I'm not saying she's a whore or anything.. SHARON -- Uh huh. CHRIS -- ..don't get me wrong. (laughs, sniffs) But you know, if she ever decided she wanted to be one, you know the line would just be around the block. SHARON -- You know, could you help me get something from out of the meatlocker please? Excuse us. CHRIS -- Oh yeah, right. Yeah sure. I almost forgot. It's been almost an hour. (laughs) Time to stoke the old love furnace, if you know what I mean. (laughs) Hey folks, if you hear a zipper sound coming from in here. (sniffs) That would be my zipper. (laughs) MEATLOCKER CHRIS -- Jeeze you guys eat a lot of meat. Your kids must have a cholesterol level of an eighty year-old truckdriver. SHARON -- (punches him) CHRIS -- Ew. Now Sharon, I'm sensing a little hostility here. SHARON -- Chris, we are going back out there and if you so much as mention sex again. You will be hanging form one of these. (grabs meathook) CHRIS -- Yes Sharon. Hey, how do you get this thing open? SHARON -- Oh please. Oh my god, I must have slammed it too hard. CHRIS -- Allright girlie, step aside let a full-grown boy handle this. (door's stuck) We're gonna die. We're gonna die. Help Help Help etc. LIVING ROOM BRUNETTE GUEST -- My god. Glen wasn't joking. They're going at it like a couple of running warthogs. REDHEAD GUEST -- This is the height of rudeness. You'd never catch us having sex in our meatlocker when we have company over. We're leaving. BRUNETTE GUEST -- Us too. Well, at least Sharon didn't find out you're just some jerk pretending to be my boyfriend because my husband left me. MEATLOCKER CHRIS -- Help Help etc. Allright, allright, don't worry, don't worry, I'm sure they'll let us out in a couple of seconds. (laughs) Ah, listen in the meantime, could I borrow you're sweater? LATER (and colder) CHRIS -- EEEh ugh. Why don't they let us out? It's because I'm one-sixteenth Lacoda Sioux Indian isn't it. You racist bastards!! SHARON -- This is a horrible thought. CHRIS -- Unh CHRIS -- What if they get tired of waiting and went home. CHRIS -- Wait a second, we don't need them at all. SHARON -- What? CHRIS -- I hold in my hand the solution to our little dilemma. SHARON -- What? A paperclip? CHRIS -- Well, to the untrained eye perhaps, but to the dutiful watcher of TVs McGiver it's a veritable super-deluxe toolkit from Sears. And with it I shall loose us from this...our watery graves. SHARON -- You'll be lucky if you get that to hold paper together. CHRIS -- Allright sister, just stand back and eat my dust (laughs) or whatever residue I may leave. Okay. Le di dehl leh dee dee dee dee (picks lock, opens door) (laughs) Bap. SHARON -- You did it. CHRIS -- Mm hmm. SHARON -- You actually did it. CHRIS -- Oh wait eh ub ub ub oh. Not so fast. I think a certain somebody owes a certain dashing hero and apology. SHARON -- I'm not apologizing to you. CHRIS -- Oh, yeah right you're not. Okay hold on, one second. SHARON -- What? CHRIS -- There yeah. No, it's closed yeah, and...that's gonna stay closed until I hear an apology, and it better be from the heart. SHARON -- Well. CHRIS -- Mm hm. SHARON -- I'm sorry I thought you couldn't open it, you fat ,brain-dead ass. CHRIS -- Fine, now was as that so difficult? Jeeze, huh. Now it would be my honor to rescue you me fair lady, me damsel fine. (laughs) Could I have another ah, paperclip please? SHARON -- What are you talking about another paperclip? What happened to the one you had? CHRIS -- Well it was used. I threw it out. SHARON -- Ohhh (hits Chris with a frozen side of beef) Do you realize what you've just done? If there is no one out there to rescue us, we are doomed. CHRIS -- Oh my god, oh my god, you're right. And if we're stuck here for minutes on end we could starve to death. (sobs) SHARON -- Chris, look around you and tell me what you see. CHRIS -- Eegh. Oh my god. Oh, the bodies of all those who have gone before us. SHARON -- Imbecile! We are not going to starve to death. We are going to freeze to death. CHRIS -- Oh, oh jeeze well huh, that's a relief. (laughs) Well then all we need is a big freshly killed elephant to crawl up inside of and be warm and cozy as two bugs in a rug in a....stomach. (laughs) So where's the elephant? SHARON -- There is no elephant. CHRIS -- (sobbing) Not even in the zoo? Well there's no reason to go on living. SHARON -- Chris, there are plenty of elephants in the zoo. CHRIS -- Oh good well then we gotta get out of here. Hey you know what? I have got an idea. SHARON -- What. CHRIS -- We could probably share each other's bodyheat if we were hugged and snuggled together. SHARON -- I'd rather be chiseled out of here with an icepick. CHRIS -- Sharon, believe me I'm not looking to get any pleasure out of this. I mean I'm a, I don't want a cheap sexual thrill or anything. I, I just think it's our best chance for survival that's all. SHARON -- Actually, you're probably right about that. CHRIS -- Yeah no I am thanks. There's a spot right down here. Let's...what do ya way we...come on right here ah..... SHARON -- ueh oh. (Sharon goes to Chris) Oh CHRIS -- Eah. (rolling his eyes) SHARON -- No! No! (Sharon breaks away) CHRIS -- What! What's wrong with you? I was just sighing from releif. SHARON -- Euh. CHRIS -- Would you stop being such a prudie prude prudence and come to papa. Come on. SHARON -- (returns) Uhuheah etc. CHRIS -- Oeah (smiles) SHARON -- Yeow. (hits him) Oh. Well It's not so bad. It's rather like being engulfed in a big gooey compost heap. CHRIS -- Enjoy. POTTER LIVING ROOM REDHEAD GUEST-- Sharon? Sharon? I was so disgusted by your inexcuseable behavior that I forgot my purse. MEAT LOCKER SHARON -- Chris, I think I hear voices. CHRIS -- Oh, I get that a lot. Just try pounding on the side of your head. They'll go away. SHARON -- No, no, I mean I think there might be somebody out there. CHRIS -- Oh, oh really. (Chris and Sharon cry out for help) SHARON -- Oh, oh etc. CHRIS -- (sounds like bleeting lamb) POTTER LIVING ROOM REDHEAD GUEST -- Filthy scum. They have stamina though. (walks out) MEAT LOCKER SHARON -- Oh, I guess, I guess I was mistaken. My mind must be playing tricks on me. Chris, we've got to keep talking or else we may slip into a complete hypothermic delirium. CHRIS -- Wow, huh, a new kind of delirium. huh. And I thought I'd tried 'em all. hm hm. SHARON -- I can't feel my arms and legs at all anymore. I think that maybe we are actually going to die in here. CHRIS -- Oh. SHARON -- But before we do there something that I want to get off my chest. CHRIS -- You know I pray you are talking about your bra. Otherwise, you are the worst kinda tease. SHARON -- What I want to say to you is... CHRIS -- uh. SHARON --...that I don't think you are a such a flabby, bald, asinine troll. CHRIS -- Uh. Really? SHARON -- Well, you are a...little on the flabby and bald side. I mean let's face it, you are pretty damn asinine. But technically I think you're too tall to be a troll. CHRIS -- Oh wow. Jeeze Sharon I don't know what to say. But you know as, as long as we're pouring our hearts out here, I think you should know that...even though I've always considered you an evil, castrating, she-creature from hell, SHARON -- Uh huh. CHRIS -- I've also always found you quite shapely. SHARON -- Oh. Really Chris? Do you mean that? CHRIS -- (laughs) You see I too am not without my tender side. SHARON -- You know Chris, suddenly I don't find you all that unattractive. I mean, with out faces this close together and everything, you could be almost anyone. CHRIS -- Well, well go on, on go on and say it then. You want me. You crave my body. You crave it...like a pearl diver craves....fluffernutter. SHARON -- I do. I do. I know it's probably the hypodermic delirium but god help me, I actually want you. CHRIS -- Well then, let's go out with a bang and not a whimper...or if you do it right, both. (they go at it passionately to the strains of "Feelings") SHARON -- Oh Chris. CHRIS -- Oh oh oh. I love you Sharon. SHARON -- I love you Chris. I think I've actually loved you from the first moment I hated you. Say something romantic. CHRIS -- Oh ugh. Certain sauces give me a rash. SHARON -- Oh, oh you special, special man. CHRIS -- Mmm mm mmOh oh oh oh. Take me. Take me now. Oh oh but be gentle. Oh gee oh wow. Unless ah, you like it rough, then consider me your rag-doll baby. SHARON -- Oh ah oh ah ah etc. CHRIS -- Aah ha ha ha ha. I love it! POTTER LIVING ROOM GUS -- Hey everbody. Chris said I could come to the party as long as I called him Glen. Boy, I've been to some dull shin-digs but this hardly seems worth crashing. Oh well, nothing tastes sweeter than free grub. Hmm hm hm hmm. Hey, they got one of those walk-in living room meat lockers that are all the rage. Maybe I'll just get a few choice cuts to go. MEAT LOCKER GUS -- JACKPOT! Mmm Oh yeah. Gee, it's the kid and that Potter wench. And they're in real trouble. Hell, they can wait. It's not like they're gonna to spoil or anything. (continues stealing meat) LATER POTTER LIVING ROOM CHRIS -- Ooh oh. Mommy, Mommy, it's so good to feel your whiskers again. GUS -- Hey kid, you're alive. CHRIS -- Uh? GUS -- Thank god. I hate filling out those coroner's statements. CHRIS -- Jeeze Gus, Aah oh ah. How long have I been frozen? GUS -- I don't know. A couple of hours maybe. CHRIS -- A couple of hours? Ah jeeze is just like that Byron Allen movie "Sleeper." I'll have to adjust to a whole new futuristic world. GUS -- Kid, I think we'd better pop your head into the microwave for a few minutes. CHRIS -- Oh. Wuh oh. Sharon, Sharon my love lozenge? You're alive. SHARON -- Your love? CHRIS -- Mmm SHARON -- Oh god, I'm dead and hell is even worst than I expected it to be. CHRIS -- No, no, honey don't you remember? SHARON -- What. CHRIS -- We're star-crossed lovers now; soul mates which no man, beast or pediatrist can ever wrench asunder. SHARON -- I mean it .I know we kissed but that is all CHRIS -- Jeeze are you kidding. Ha ha ha ha. Come on baby we did it all. Yeah heh heh heh heh. Yeah, you were an animal. Yeaew whoo. (laughs) I still think I have one of your cheap fake fingernails embedded in my back.(laughs) GUS -- Way to go, kid. (laughs) I can't wait to hear all the gory details. CHRIS -- Yeah hea, I got 'em.(laughs) SHARON -- This is not happening. CHRIS -- I think what I'm gonna to do now is go home, pack up some of my festering laundry and just a few bottles and bring 'em over here so we can start our blissful co-habitation together. Mmm. (kisses her) Ungh. SHARON -- Oh. Oh. CHRIS -- Fire of my loins. (laughs) Oh and (talks into Sharon's stomach) Goodbye Chris Jr. sure hope you're not fat. (blows kiss) SHARON --(Has vision of Chris Jr. in her womb a la 2001 Starbaby) Excuse me. I have to go scrub my entire body with steel wool now. And then blow my brains out. Eew GUS' KITCHEN CHRIS -- Mmm. Mmm. Mm. (slurp) Boy! (sniffs) What a meal. (laughs) I can't believe you actually won the National Meat Lotto. You must have the luck of the Swedish. GUS -- You're the lucky one Chris, getting to sleep with that hell-cat Sharon. (laughs) CHRIS -- Oh. (laughs) You know what Gus? We never actually slept together. Huh huh. I just let her think we did. (laughs) It was one of my cruel but very funny jokes. (laughs) Aren't I a scamp? (laughs) SHARON -- (Kicks down the door) I heard that scum. Prepare to die. (Beats the crap out of Chris) CHRIS -- Yow!...Hey...Ah...Ugh...ugh. That's the stomach. And there go the ears. Oh. SHARON -- Neeyeah GUS -- (Eats and watches, merrily swaying to each punch) CHRIS -- I love it I hate it I hate it I love it. THE END